The novel is separated into two ‘sides,’ like the sides of a record—‘Side A’ and ‘Side B.’ Side A is mostly focused on the events that occur to Kimiâ’s family in Iran, interspersed with moments from the clinic. Side B explores her experience of growing up in France, of the trauma that she is still processing from her life in Iran while simultaneously trying to adapt to a new country. Stylistically, the novel’s second half delves more into the character’s psychological interiority to give us an entry into Kimiâ’s mental state.
It is in Side B where we discover Kimia’s secret: that she is in a relationship with a woman, and at the fertility clinic is pretending to be in a heterosexual relationship with a male friend. Side B is where Kimiâ becomes a punk rocker and a sound mixer, and her discovery of music liberates her, allowing her to feel free to be herself. In Paris, Kimiâ moves further and further away from her family; afraid of the secret that she has of liking girls, but each family member is also caught up in their own struggle of forgetting, adapting and integrating into a new life. After being told how speech was a critical part of Iranian culture, we are aware of how painful the silence is now between them.
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It is in Side B where we discover, to our surprise, that at its heart Disoriental is a diasporic queer coming-of-age novel. In addition to everything else, it is a story of the inevitable gulf between first and second generation immigrants; but also the unimaginable pain, and yearning, of growing up being something that you believe your family and culture will never accept. It is also, critically, about the agony of having to hide oneself; worse, that who you are simply does not exist:
They don’t get that, in our culture, the important thing is to be something; to fall into one category or another, and follow its rules. Transsexuality exists because there is something worse than being transsexual, and that’s being homosexual…
No, being gay isn’t shameful. It’s impossible. A non-reality.
Disoriental reflects in its structure and style the often conflicting dualities that many immigrants experience. The two modes utilised in the novel—the Scheherazade form of epic storytelling and the more Western literary convention of focusing on a character’s psychological interiority—interweave to reflect a sense of self that many diasporic people are familiar with: a knowledge that we are more than just isolated individuals; that our self, our stories and our trauma is intergenerational, and is knitted so tightly to others; and yet at the same time, having a sense—and need—for a self that is also own entity; different, separate and unattached. In other words, whole in its own right.
At its heart Disoriental is a diasporic queer coming-of-age novel…a story of the inevitable gulf between first and second generation immigrants.
Immigrant and diaspora writers have always drawn from and attempted to reconcile from different traditions, and can perhaps be called ‘a third thing, which is a hybrid.’ Chinese American author Gish Jen terms the way she writes as combining Western and Eastern craft, making a distinction between the two—Western art as displaying a more ‘independent’ self that is individualistic, focused on uniqueness, originality and ‘freedom’ of self-expression; contrasted with Eastern art that emphasises a sense of collectivity, commonality, and context. Of course, East or West are not monoliths, but she contends that there are differences in how cultures imagine narratives can be told.
Disoriental portrays affectingly the schisms that many of the diaspora live in their very being: the pull between different ways of understanding the self; the hard-earned knowledge that multiple, conflicting modes of existence—and the expectations that come with them—can exist in the same person.
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It is also in Side B that we discover at last what THE EVENT is—Kimiâ’s father Darius is assassinated in his Paris apartment by order of the Iranian government. But it is also the end of her mother mentally, who withdraws into a form of dementia, so much so that she is moved into a care home.
It is fitting that the novel begins with a prologue with her father, and ends with her an epilogue with her mother, Sara. They bookend the novel, just as they bookend Kimiâ around the heart of who she is.
Kimiâ has just discovered she is having twins after the fertility treatment. Having it be so successful after just a first round, and with twins, is unexpected. However, it is something Bibi the family servant had predicted years ago when she was a child.
What still surprises me is the way the facts have slotted together—the construction work, the distraction, the fourteen-millimeter follicle—to bring Science and Chance face to face, hand in hand, to make old Bibi’s prediction into reality. The one that started, remember, with ‘First, you’ll have twins…’
In the epilogue, Kimiâ goes to visit her mother in the care home after getting the news. Her mother tells Kimiâ, whom she believes to still be a little girl, to leave Iran for France when she grows up, because ‘This place isn’t made for people like you…That’s why I want you to promise me that you’ll leave. I don’t want anything to happen to you; do you understand?’
Dichotomies come together in this book. There is room for both science and chance, for both human agency and fate.
Kimiâ is stunned. She realises in shock that her mother had always known about her sexuality. The thing that Kimiâ didn’t even entertain as possible—her mother had always known and accepted.
I read this book just after my mother died, a year and a half ago as the pandemic was getting started. Or was it just before she died? My memory is hazy. We’ve always had a strained relationship, because I felt that she, and everyone else in my family, never really knew me, never really accepted me. They made me feel like I was always too loud, too big, too unruly for a girl and had to be changed. My sense of self absolutely crumbled under the weight of their interventions. My childhood and teenage years were painful and that now sits as a mountain between us that I cannot get over. When my mother got sick and I had to return to Sydney from Prague where I live, all of my mixed feelings for my family came up. In the end, there was resolution between us, but I still feel guilt that those complicated feelings remained even as she was dying.
Although not queer, I can relate to Kimiâ’s story of rebelling from her family so that she could be herself. And when I read this ending where she discovers that her mother had accepted her all along, it felt both heart-breaking and joyful. It felt right that Kimiâ was given a happy ending. People like us from the diaspora, who are as much affected by fate as by our own agency, are allowed to have happy endings.
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Dichotomies come together in this book. There is room for both science and chance, for both human agency and fate. There is space for those of us who feel like outsiders in both cultures. And also, for identities that seemingly should not exist—that they can not only exist, but flourish; and space for what you thought could not be possible.
‘And whatever kind of life you lead, make sure you have children. You have to have children, you know. It’s the only consolation.’
Disoriental is available now from your local independent bookseller.
Entries for the 2022 New Critic Award are now open—find more details here.
