Pornography, and the mainstreaming of porn in our society, is a divisive issue. Does porn encourage misogyny and sexual violence, or is it a necessary part of society? Can porn help save relationships, or does it encourage unrealistic expectations of sex? Does it provide a necessary outlet for those whose sexual fantasies will never – by their very nature – be fulfilled, or does it encourage the sexualisation of girls? Is it anti-feminist, or empowering for women? Should it be illegal? Should it be accepted?
The following interview was arranged after listening to Australian-born porn star Monica Mayhem on Jon Faine’s ‘Conversation Hour’ on the ABC last month. While the radio program featured many interesting insights, we were frustrated by Faine’s sanctimoniousness; his argument that pornography was somehow responsible for male sexual violence, and his refusal to give Monica (who has written a book about her experience, Absolute Mayhem: Confessions of an Aussie Porn Star) the opportunity to counter his assumptions about women who work in the industry. This interview was arranged to facilitate a more objective discussion with Monica about life as a porn star.
The views and opinions expressed by individuals in the following interview are not necessarily those of the Kill Your Darlings’ staff.
In your book, you talk frankly about your fraught relationship with your mother. Had your relationship been different, or more positive, do you believe you would have become a porn star?
That’s really quite hard to say. I mean, if my mother had actually showed that she cared about me, she would have encouraged me to pursue my dreams, which were acting, singing, dancing and modelling. I may have had more confidence because of her encouragement. But I really don’t know if I would have become a porn star.
What are the psychological implications for being porn star?
Being a porn star can definitely take its toll on your emotional wellbeing. It messes with your head sometimes, and you have to be such a strong person to be able to deal with it. Being naked and having sex for a living – that’s not normal to anyone. It’s something that you just kind of set your mind to, thinking that it’s okay. And when you convince yourself that something is okay to do, then you seem to have no trouble doing it. But some of the girls really can’t handle it, and that’s when they turn to drugs and alcohol. I did have a stint with drugs and alcohol, but not because of the industry – that had been a lifelong on and off problem.
Are your family and friends supportive and encouraging of your career choice? How does your career affect your private life and personal relationships?
My family took a while to get used to it, and I still don’t think they’ve really accepted it, but they know that it’s my life and my decision, and so they’re going to be supportive – whatever makes me happy. My career certainly affects my private life. I can’t seem to keep a lot of ‘real’ friends in Los Angeles. However, I do have old friends from Australia who I keep in touch with and see whenever I can. As for personal relationships with men, that just never seems to work out. My career is ultimately what ruins the relationship, and – unless I’m really in love with someone – I’m not going to give up everything for a man. I haven’t found someone that I’ve been close to loving, in years.
What do you read?
I mostly read self-help/motivational books. Right now I’m reading The Art of Seduction, which is interesting. It’s about reading people and reacting to their character, not about ‘seducing’ or anything sexual at all. I also love conspiracy theories like Behold a Pale Horse, and biographies such as Bon Scott’s (from ACDC). And, of course, anything to do with Wicca.
Do you think Australian attitudes towards pornography are becoming more or less conservative? Why?
The state governments’ attitudes definitely seem to be becoming more conservative. However studies show that two-thirds of Australians aren’t offended by porn. Yet in every state, porn is illegal. Prostitution, however, is legal in most states. Such a contradiction, don’t you think? Why is one better than the other? And what is the difference anyway? Everyone is consenting adults. Nobody is being forced to do anything.
You talk about the devastating impact the pornography industry can have on girls who enter it unprepared. What kind of preparation must a young woman undertake? Can you really prepare yourself for it? What character traits must a young woman possess in order to succeed and thrive in the industry?
You should be mentally stable, and by that I mean you should not have too many problems going on in your life. You have to be a strong person, possibly someone who has already gone through a lot in your life, and is strong enough to handle the pressure of being in the public eye and scrutinised all the time.
You can’t really prepare yourself for it. Just know that it’s not as glamorous as some girls make it out to be. It’s a tough industry; people will try and screw you over. You have to be smart about the choices you make while in the industry. Don’t do anything that you don’t feel comfortable doing. And know your self worth.
You also must really enjoy sex to succeed, and sometimes you just have to be a good actress. ‘Cause you’re not always going to be in the most comfortable of places while shooting!
Before becoming involved in the pornography industry, you worked for many years – both in Australia and in the United Kingdom – in corporate finance. Do you see any parallels between the two industries?
You know, in every industry, you get your double-crossers, your ‘dysfunctional families’, and in some cases, your friends for life. So I guess you could say there are some parallels between the two industries in those regards.
Do you believe pornography is responsible for an increase in sexual violence in Australia and America? Why? Why not? What would you say to people who do?
Absolutely not. I don’t see how that is possible. First of all, violent porn is illegal. People have shot it in the past, but those companies have been shut down and fined. I believe that porn keeps some predators off the street. If they can watch porn and get off on it, there is less need for them to want to go out and rape someone, wouldn’t you think? And if someone is violent by nature, porn is not going to encourage them to act on that instinct, they’re going to be that way regardless, and do what they’ve always done or intended to do.
Studies in Denmark and Sweden show that there has been no increase in violence or crime, since porn was legalised forty years ago. I’d say that’s a pretty good indication that porn is not responsible for sexual violence.
In your book you say that you believe porn has an ‘important social function’, as it allows people to experience ‘the forbidden’ and thereby achieve sexual release they may not safely find elsewhere. Do you believe porn has any other important social functions?
Absolutely. I get many emails from couples, thanking me for saving their marriage – they watch my movies together. Or from those couples I give advice to. And lonely men who can’t find sexual partners, or who are disabled, and who turn to porn for pleasure. And, of course, the troops fighting overseas: I’ve sent many ‘care’ packages to them, and the platoon leaders thank me for helping boost morale. There are many things that I see on a daily basis which make me realise that porn is helpful in society.
In the USA, prostitution – the exchange of sexual services for money – is illegal in all but one state. Why do you believe pornography is allowed to thrive in the same country? What do you see as some of the inherent differences between prostitution and pornography?
I’ve never understood this law, and the same goes in Australia. Porn is widely available in the US, generating billions of dollars every year. If they were to outlaw the industry it would have a major economic impact.
It is not legal to shoot porn everywhere in the US, and that’s why most of the industry resides in Southern California. I know that it’s illegal to shoot porn in Nevada, however, one county in Nevada allows prostitution. But prostitution is illegal in California, yet shooting porn is legal. This is the same in Australia: hardcore porn is actually illegal to sell and shoot in every state (except the ACT). Yet brothels are legal! Doesn’t make any sense, and I don’t see the difference between regulated porn and prostitution, other than that one is on film for other people’s viewing pleasure.
In your book you mention some of the health risks of being a porn star – sexually transmitted disease, Aids and complications arising from drug use. Were you aware of these health risks when you entered the industry?
Yes, I was aware. We get tested every twenty-eight days for Gonorrhea, Chlamydia, and HIV, and every three months for Syphilis. It’s up to us to test for HPV also. We have to look at each others’ tests before shooting, and the producers must keep everything on file. The drug use doesn’t really bother me since I’ve been around it since I was thirteen, but yes, I went back and forth with it while in the industry, but I also did the same thing while in the finance industry. It is sad to see once-beautiful girls totally self destruct to the point where you can’t even recognise them anymore.
Are you afraid of being sexually undesirable? Are you afraid of aging? Why?
I think everyone is, aren’t they? I don’t think anyone likes the thought of getting older, and I, for one, do all I can to stop the aging process. I’ve stopped smoking, I don’t drink much, and I exercise and eat healthily, drink lots of water and don’t tan my face! I think I’ll always want to be sexually desirable, because I would probably feel inadequate if I didn’t have the same appeal to men that I used to.
What are your views on the relationship between sex, intimacy and love?
Well, with sex, I switch off my emotions if I don’t want to get attached to somebody. You have to be able to do that to be a porn star. Intimacy is closeness, affection, feeling familiar with someone, but perhaps not being in love? And love, well I think you just know when you’re in love, and that’s when you make a real commitment. In my case, that would mean giving up everything.
Can you understand some people’s aversion to porn and the porn industry? What would you say to these people?
I understand that people have many misconceptions about porn, or that they just see things differently in general. I would ask them to read my interview and book, and hopefully then they’d see things in a new light. I’d ask them to not hate on those who love porn: if you don’t like it, don’t watch it, but don’t try and ruin it for everyone else who does. Don’t try and take away something that so many other people love.
Where do you see yourself in fifteen years time?
Hopefully happily married after having a successful career in whatever it is that I endeavour to do from here on out! And I’m sure I’ll be back in Australia by then.
What has porn taught you about the human condition?
It shows how completely different each and every one of us is. I’ll never understand why some people hate and protest against porn so much. And they’ll never understand why I am in the industry and have no problem with it. The same goes for everything in life really. It’s quite fascinating, and it’s always a good feeling when you’re actually able to ‘crack’ somebody and get him or her to understand things from your point of view. I hope I’ve at least somewhat achieved that, in writing this book.